Couples Therapy: A Perfect Partner?
Looking for the perfect partner? You’re in luck—sort of.
Many people who come to couples therapy often lament that their partners aren’t what they imagined or hoped for. Initially, they were captivated by the “best version” of their partner, but over time, they’ve become disillusioned as they notice the “not-so-best” qualities. “My partner has changed,” or, “They tricked me into believing they were someone else,” are common refrains. While it’s possible your partner has evolved or wasn’t entirely transparent early on, it’s equally likely that your own perspective has shifted. The initial infatuation has faded, leaving behind the real, multifaceted human being you’re in a relationship with.
So, what’s the solution?
Maybe someday technology will allow us to create “perfect” partners tailored to our every desire. But would such perfection truly fulfill us? The answer is likely no. Relationships—especially those with people who challenge us—offer unparalleled opportunities for personal growth. They push us out of our comfort zones and help us become better versions of ourselves.
The paradox of love: What you love can also drive you crazy.
It’s fascinating how the very traits that attract us to someone can later become a source of tension. For instance:
You fell in love with your partner’s free spirit and sense of adventure. Now, their spontaneity might make you feel insecure when they don’t check in as often as you’d like.
They were drawn to your stability and reliability, which made them feel safe. Now, they may complain that you’re too predictable or overly controlling.
It’s natural to wish your partner were “more like you,” but this mindset often leads to frustration and missed opportunities for connection.
Don’t give up—lean in.
When you’re tempted to throw up your hands and say, “We’re just too different,” consider this instead: Relationships thrive when both partners stretch themselves to meet each other’s needs without sacrificing their own.
For example:
The free-spirited partner might text more often to reassure their partner of their love and presence.
The structured partner might embrace spontaneity by planning an unprompted adventure with their partner, leaning into the excitement and discomfort of the unknown.
These small but intentional acts not only build trust and intimacy but also promote personal growth for both partners.
Would you really want to date yourself?
As Stan Tatkin so aptly puts it, none of us are exactly a picnic. We are all complex, challenging, and, at times, downright difficult individuals. It’s important to acknowledge this truth—not just about your partner, but about yourself. Would you really want to date someone exactly like you? Likely not. It’s precisely because of our differences that relationships become a source of balance, excitement, and growth. Take a moment to reflect. If you were dating someone exactly like you, would that really make for a fulfilling relationship? Likely not. It’s our differences that complement one another, creating balance, excitement, and opportunities for deeper understanding.
Focus on growth, not perfection.
Imagine if you shifted your mindset from critiquing your partner’s imperfections to appreciating how your relationship helps you grow. Every disagreement, every compromise, every act of love is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your partner, and the bond you share.
Choosing to love, every day.
Love isn’t a passive feeling—it’s a choice and an action. As Alanis Morissette once said, “Love is a verb.” It requires effort, intention, and commitment. By choosing to show up for your partner, even when it’s challenging, you can build a stronger, more fulfilling connection.
Take the first step today.
If you’re ready to explore how you and your partner can grow together and become the best partners for each other, we’re here to help. Call us today to set up an appointment with one of our compassionate therapists at Couples Healing Center. Together, let’s turn imperfection into opportunity.