Couples Therapy: Looking for the perfect partner? You are in luck.
What happened to my perfect partner?
It seems that a lot of people, who come to see me for couples therapy, initially fell in love with the imagined, the best version of each other. And they unavoidably become shocked later, when they realize that their partners also have “not so best” qualities. People tell me their partner has changed or that their partners tricked them even, pretending to be someone else than who they really were. Maybe that is true or maybe their beer goggles affect just wore off recently. Whatever the case might be, it is clear that most of the couples do not know what to do when they find out that their lovely partners are not so perfect after all.
The perfect solution to all relationship issues?
Maybe in the near future, we will be able to pick and choose to make the perfect human being to fall in love with. And that might sound like the best solution for all our relationship problems (and the extinction of couples therapy, no!). But we have to remind ourselves that this perfect solution would deprive ourselves of any personal growth. In romantic relationships, because our partners are often very different than us (opposites do attract), we are constantly challenged to explore areas that are often completely out of our comfort zone.
The best part!
Most interestingly, the very quality you LOVE about your partner could be the reason that you HATE them. For example, let’s say that you fall in love with someone, who is a free spirit. Even though their free spirited nature used to (and probably still does) offer a sense of adventure and excitement for you, now it triggers your insecurity (maybe because he doesn’t check in with you as often as you would want). On the other hand, your partner fell in love with you, who is consistent, stable and reliable, which provides him/her a feeling of safety. But now your partner complain that you are “suffocating” them or just “too boring.” Both of you are thinking, “Why can she/he be more like me?” And then we draw the same conclusion that we always make at the end of a relationship, “We were just too different!”
Don’t give up!
But this is not the moment of resignation. This is the moment of opportunity! This is the time we can communicate and identify each other’s need, and stretch ourselves to meet them (without sacrificing our needs completely of course). By stretching, I mean doing something that makes us feel a bit uncomfortable or maybe even really uncomfortable. For example, the free spirit partner may send text messages to let the partner know that he/she is thinking of them. And the consistent partner may take an impromptu trip with free spirit partner, to embrace the excitement and also the anxiety that “the unknown” brings). In these moments, not only that your partner’s love towards you will grow as you keep meeting their needs, but also there will be a great personal growth that comes from the small challenges you take on each time. And seriously, would you really date yourself? Right, I didn’t think so.
You are learning and growing every day, thanks to your partner.
So what would it look like if we paid more attention to how the relationships with our partners help us learn and grow each day, rather than complaining every day about how imperfect our partners are in so many ways, or searching for THE perfect partner who’s waiting for you in some imaginary planet?
Choose to become the best partners for each other, today.
We can become each other’s best partner but we have to “choose” to be. “Love is a verb… Love is an action.” I agree with Alanis Morissette and so many others who said that love is something you do. Are you ready to love? Are you ready to love again? Contact us at Couples Healing Center today and find out how couples therapy can help you and your partner love again at https://coupleshealingcenter.com/
Liz Wee, LMFT, ATR
Do you want to learn more about how you can improve your relationship with your partner? Or are you an individual, who's working on self right now to have better relationships in the future? I would love to assist you!
You can make an appointment below for a therapy session or a free consultation.